Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Erm I’m gonna say no
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.