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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Matt Goss
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.