People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
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[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.