Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do