The smoothest fall of all time
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“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.