HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
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How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm