There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Realize this:
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.