my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Perfection.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.