Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
This is me 🤣🤣
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.