Me if I was a dog
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go