[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I think this should do it.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.