*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
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For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.