“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
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Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”