After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Favourite diary entry ever
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see