I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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