I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.