My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.