The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Flowers bee like
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.