*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Never ghost your hitman.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.