Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
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This can never not be funny 😭😭
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.