*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom