I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
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Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time