I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out