Kidney stones? Hard pass
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It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
my name if I was in the mob
Do not levitate over flowers
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I am crying
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!