Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
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remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
sistine chapel
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
mom had nothing to worry about
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”