My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.