I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.