Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
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I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.