If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
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My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
When someone says you are so lazy
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
thanks auntie mary
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Buck naked
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My dad.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
me and the Superbowl rn
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]