I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay