*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Any refunds available?…
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.