You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
You Might Also Like
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.