Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
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Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
OH. COME. ON.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Previously On Persistence 😎
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]