My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.