I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
You Might Also Like
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Its true…
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.