All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
You Might Also Like
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
📽️movie date🎞️
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.