“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today