[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.