Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I found your tweet-up…
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.