If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]