6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
You Might Also Like
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*bites zombie*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
jesus christ confetti not now
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything