My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.