Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?