Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
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When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
A roof is a house hat.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.