Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
You Might Also Like
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?