My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
This is me
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
the chicken was already gone when I got here
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat