When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
You Might Also Like
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine