Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.