another case of gang violins
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I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to