men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
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T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Ion see the issue
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Cool shirt 🙂
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
*aggressively waits in line*
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.